Nadam se da bi moja priča mogla naterati neke ljude da shvate kakvu štetu kockanje može naneti jednom životu i drugima oko vas.
Dakle, hajde da počnemo od početka. Sa 27 godina sam počeo da imam napade, negdje kasnije sam na kraju shvatio da sam skrivao depresiju koju mi je ovo izazvalo. Smatrao sam da je kockanje donekle od velike pomoći, ovo je upravo počelo kao male fudbalske opklade. Jednog dana Coral mi je poslao 100 besplatnih okretaja i ja sam osvojio i unovčio 100 funti. U glavi mi je "ovo je lako" VELIKA GREŠKA.
Da bih suzbio depresiju, iskoristio sam svu svoju životnu ušteđevinu za kockanje na slotovima. Kada sam ostao bez sredstava, tada sam prvi put razgovarao sa suprugom o tome. Bila je sjajna i bila je velika podrška, kao i od prvog dana moje epilepsije. Nekako sam uspeo godinama bez kockanja, stvarno ne mogu da se setim kako. Možda je bilo zbog toga što nisam imao novca za kockanje i podršku mojih najmilijih.
Epilepsija je postajala sve gora i gora, a ja sam imao taj osećaj kao da sam u silaznoj spirali. Ponuđena mi je operacija mozga da zaustavim napade. Zaista sam mislio da će ovo biti prekretnica u mom životu i iskoristio sam priliku. Došao je 19. maj 2019. i imao sam operaciju mozga. Dve godine je bilo sjajno, nisam imao napad i život sam bio sjajan.
Onda je došao taj fatalni dan kada su ponovo počeli, moj život se ponovo promenio i počela je ta spirala depresije. Opet sam počeo da se kockam i njihova žena je saznala. Obećao sam joj da ću prestati, što sam i radio dosta vremena dok sam koristio GamStop, a onda sam odjednom imao veoma težak napad, jedan od najgorih koje sam imao pre operacije. Ciklus je ponovo počeo. Kockanje, hvatanje i laži ženi da bih prestao. Podigao sam čak i kredite da bih se kockao, koje i sada otplaćujem. Zajmovi su iznosili do 7 hiljada funti. Ne sećam se koliko je puta trajao ovaj ciklus, ali na kraju je doveo do toga da me žena prezrela i iznudila.
Dakle, dok ovo sada pišem, živim sam, retko viđam svoju decu i uvek se osećam tužno zbog toga šta sam se odrekao zbog tog popravka dopamina.
Trenutno sam stalni kockar. Stalno pronalazim različita nijedna GamStop kazina, igram malo pa ih zamolim da mi zatvore nalog jer imam problema sa kockanjem. Dakle, pretpostavljam da polako postajem sve bolji jer dobijam hrabrost da zatvorim svoj nalog prilično brzo nakon otvaranja. Kada znam da nemam gde da se kockam, misao mi zapravo napušta um.
Zapravo sam plakala kada sam pisala sve gore navedeno jer mi nedostaje moj stari život pre epilepsije i kockanja, ali te stvari se ne mogu promeniti. Tako da sada moram da se koncentrišem na pozitivne stvari, kao što je to što sam više od 3 godine bez napada i ponovo sposobnost da vozim.
Hopefully my story might make some people realise the damage gambling can do to ones life and the others around you.
So lets start from the begining. At 27 I started having seizures, sometime down the line I eventually realised that I had been hiding the depression this was causing me. I found gambling to be somewhat of a really helpful distraction, this just started off as little football bets. One day Coral sent me 100 wager free spins and i won and cashed out £100. I got it in my head "this is easy" BIG MISTAKE.
To supress the depression I used all of my life savings to gamble on slots. When I ran out of funds, this is when I first talked to my wife about it. She was great and was very supportive, as she was from day one of my Epilepsy. I somehow managed to go for years without gambling, I really can't remember how. Might have been down to having no money to gamble with and the support of my loved ones.
Epilepsy was getting worse and worse, and I had that feeling like I was on a downward spiral. I was offered brain surgery to stop the seizures all together. I really thought this would be a turning point in my life and jumped at the chance. 19th May 2019 came round and I had the brain surgery. For two years it was great at I didn't have a seizure and life felt great.
Then that fatal day of when they started again came around, my life changed again and that spiral of despression began. Once again I started to gamble and they wife found out. I promised her I would stop, which I did for a good amout of time as I used GamStop, then all of a sudded a had a very bad seizure, one of the worst I had before the surgery. The cycle started over again. The gambling, getting caught and the lies to the wife that I would stop. I even took out loans to gamble, which I am still paying off now. The loans totaled up to £7k. I don't remeber how many times this cycle went on for but eventually it led to my wife dispising me and deforcing me.
So as i write this now, I live alone, rarely see my kids and always feel sad about what I gave up for that dopamine fix.
I am an on and off gambler at the moment. I keep finding different none GamStop casinos, I play for a bit then ask them to close my account due to me having a gambling problem. So I guess I am slowly getting better as I get that courage to close my account pretty quick after opening one. When I know I have nowhere to gamble the thought actually leaves my mind.
I actually cried when writting all of the above as I miss my old life before Epilepsy and gambling, but these things can't be changed. So I now have to concentrate on the positives, like been seizure free for over 3 years and the ability to drive again.
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